When it’s cold outside and no amount of Christmas socks, long johns or woolly tights are going to keep the bone-chilling freeze from invading your body like a 1965 Don Siegel horror film, what else is there to do but tuck up at home with the heating on high and a mountain of mince pies which would make Eamon Holmes sweat with jealousy.

But what is there to watch during jolly time?

We have overcome the first hurdle in what is now British traditional Christmas entertainment as 20m tuned in to the X-Factor final to watch the delightful Joe McElderry – the boy who sleeps with coat hangers in his mouth – beat all competition for the elusive Faustian bargain, sorry I mean Cowell contract.

The Strictly weekend gives us the opportunity to watch a decrepit man string sentences together whilst surrounded by super toned Umpa Lumpa lookalikes wearing nothing but Swarovski off-cuts parading as dresses. Once again, the public has voted for entertainment over talent with the rejection of the very elegant but dull Ali Bastian in favour of the comedy micro-man Chris Hollins.

I predict Christmas day to be full of ‘specials’ and two small Geordie men making bad jokes and screwing up their autocue. We have so much to look forward to as we launch into 2010, especially with Señhor Cowell having opened entries for the next Factor.

My New Year’s Resolutions include entering X-Factor or becoming a quick-fix celebrity; possibly by having a whirlwind romance with Robert Pattinson. If neither of these happens I think I’m destined to throw my television out of the frosted, fairy light covered window in rebellion.

Alternatively, I might just change the channel and watch ET.